Sunday, 28 August 2011


Hello! [Pause for you to return the greeting in an attempt to make this blog mildly interactive] I have decided to call this blog post ‘Nothing’, because I really can’t think of a specific topic I’ll have to ramble on about for at least 200 words.

I could’ve called it ‘Everything’ because it will be about quite a lot of things, but on a scale of nothing to everything, this post is nothing + something so small, it would probably be rounded down to nothing. Which is nothing + nothing. Which equals nothing.

Anyway, holiday-spoiling maths lectures aside, I’d better start talking about nothing. I was actually going to do a post about my holiday in America, but there isn’t really anything to say about America. It’s just, well, America.

But I suppose I’d better write about America. I might as well. I’ll just do it quickly. [Please read quickly to enhance my quickness.] Right.

Milkshakes come with a massive bucket of extra milkshake in case you feel the need to bathe in it. This is good. Las Vegas is a money-stealing women-degrading shitsville. This is bad. Utah is really red. It couldn’t be redder if you jabbed yourself in the eye with lipstick. This is good or bad depending on whether or not you like the colour red. Apparently 911 and 9/11 are very different. Do not confuse them, eg. going to a restaurant and asking for a 9/11 roll. Will not do that again.

Also, the flight is quite long. Which made me realise that the praying-5-times-a-day bit of Islam must be quite hard. Particularly if there are people like me who stand behind you on the plane while you’re trying to pray because they think it’s the queue for the toilet, completely ignoring the Do not go through this curtain! People are trying to pray here! sign and don’t notice until you drop the floor and chant things. Really sorry about that.

‘But you’re just basically talking about America!’ I hear you cry, thanks to a burst of temporary schizophrenia (good thing I didn’t take any nurofen plus). Ah, well my friend (or my acquaintance who takes a suspicious interest in my opinions), shut up and let me discuss something else. With myself. (Don’t worry, I said it was temporary schizophrenia).

Recently I’ve been watching Grey’s Anatomy. It’s a great show, apart from its title. It’s supposed to be some sort of wordplay on the medical textbook Gray’s Anatomy, because the main character’s called Meredith Grey. However, puns are made by noticing that two words are similar, like ‘high’ and ‘pie’ (eg. Giving my friend a post-pie-baking ‘pie five’), not by randomly inventing a word similar to another word (eg. Imagine if I knew someone called Mr Haw. That would be Hawsome. HA. HA. HA.)

I have also recently been avoiding carbs. That means no bread. I had buttered bacon for breakfast. Okay, fine, that was a lie. Well, the avoiding carbs bit was a lie anyway…

Now I can stop saying carbs (damn). They’re called carbohydrates! They’re sciency! Stop making them sound bad! They’re not bad! They’re a normal food group!

In other news, I am trying to learn to cook. This is partly because I once tried to make porridge and got distracted. I forgot the oats.

On an even less interesting note, I bought some ice cream. I think I'm going to have some now.

On a note that is somehow even less interesting than the previous, I have now realised that blog posting is usually more successful if you know what you're going to write about before you start.

Finally, I am very sorry if you were hoping this was going to be a philosophical contemplation about what nothing is. So, as a consolation prize, I will sum up for you just what nothing really is in exactly 0 words.