Thursday, 20 January 2011


In the past, a lot of people have told me that they like fruit more than sweets, chocolate, cake and whatever crap people like to eat.



Health. Of course it's health. It's always health.

It bores me to tears, the way people pretend to enjoy fruit and salad more than cake, and go to the gym to be healthy. (Please note, it does not literally bore me to tears. No tears.) I like the occasional banana, but that doesn't mean I will only eat bananas and tomatoes for the rest of my life. This is partly because tomatoes are disgusting. Another nice idea is real sport. Because it's FUN. Not gyms. No one has fun at the gym. I have seen people on running machines before, and they never seem to look like they're having fun. They look more like they want to shoot themselves.

A few years ago, I heard about an experiment in which students are asked to remember a 7-digit number and recite it in their head, whilst walking down a corridor. They are then randomly offered some fruit and some cake. These people asked for cake, because they like cake and are too busy to be pretentious. Then people were sent down the corridor with no number in their heads. They asked for fruit. Bastards. So it clearly takes some effort to remember your false 'healthy' opinions.

So, play some sport! Enjoy it! And eat what you want! That is, unless you are as fat as your mum. She's so fat, elephants ride on her. Goodbye.

Picture: Google images. Not sure if I actually need to credit them but I don't want to get sued, so...

Sunday, 2 January 2011

Slightly happier holidays

Hello everyone, and sorry for not having posted in so long.

Just kidding, I'm not sorry at all. I don't care a bit.

Anyway, I am going to post about my wonderful holiday in Malaysia! (Well, it was technically Borneo but we stayed in Sabah, the Malaysian bit.)

I'm going to skip the horrendously dull details of typical tourist attractions and 25 hours of traveling and cut straight to the important part- food and racist mocking of different cultures.

Firstly food. To sum it up, noodles are good. But
we had to drink something with our noodles, so we had... Pearl tea!
This is basically sweet tea with chewy bubbles in it.
They taste good.

A common Malaysian dessert is ice kacang. It is essentially ice shavings squeezed into a ball with a sweet syrup called gula melaka. It is sold on the streets. Unfortunately, we did not find a street seller and the hotel we stayed at offered a slight variation. They were not allowed to squeeze the ice into a ball, as it was apparently unhygienic, and gula melaka is apparently produced under dirty conditions, so that had to go too. I also did not get to choose my 'condiments', some woman poured everything into my bowl for me. This included rose syrup, bits of noodle, sweetcorn and beans.
Also, Malaysia seems to have a billion signs telling you what you can't do. These included no haggling, no durians, no spitting and no dish washing in the toilet.

We flew out of Sabah to spend our last day and a half in Malaysia's capital, Kuala Lumpur. These are the Twin Towers which should really be called the Siamese Twin Towers seeing as they're joined by a bridge.
Oh, you can only see one. Fine.

We celebrated our first night in KL with a big bowl of curry noodles (I hate curry, but it's better than fish so I made do) at the food court in a huge shopping centre conveniently built right on top of my mum's old school. It was quite hard getting there however, as the name is apparently quite hard to pronounce. Our conversation with the hotel receptionist went something like this:

"There is good food at Pear Village."
"I said Pear Villain."
"The Pear Villa..."
"Um, Pear Velour?"

Well, it turns out it's actually called the Pavilion.

And, that's probably all you'll be able to endure. Congratulations for having made it this far.

Just kidding, you don't deserve any kind of praise. In fact, your mum is so fat, she jumped for joy and got stuck.*

So long.

*Joke courtesy of Saha Habib. Suggestion of using joke courtesy of Izzy Goodman.